Seattle, Washington.
Rock and roll sort of city.
Progressive.
Naturesque.
Remniscent.
Urban.
Rainy.

... and now home?

 

I'm saving up for a road trip up there and then we'll see how it goes.
Goodbye, Cali?
 

Do you ever feel like you have little to no emotion left in your body?

I thought I could never be so overwhelmed by work and school and, well, my parents finally filing for divorce- but this is honestly the hardest sort of point in my life at the moment. It's even more tiresome than not having a job for the past few months, strangely enough.

 

And really, I know I'm just being a baby. I've always been sort of a baby on the inside, though I like to portray myself as some cool, composed girl who has the world at her fingertips. Life is just sort of breezier that way, after all. But now that things are starting to really jump into perspective, I've completely realized how tough things are. I've been taken care of by my parents all my life, and though I'm doing a damn good job of taking care of myself lately, it's still somewhat of a tsunami in terms of life overload.

The worst thing is just my folks splitting up. The house, my house, is probably going to be sold over the next couple of months to a somebody I've never met in my life and I hope not to. My dad will move to San Diego, my mother will stay and rough it out while also staying close to my uncle. And waiting, of course, for her new boyfriend. :/ It's not so surreal as their eventual divorce was slightly expected, but now that it's here it's a bit of a shock.

Anyways. I can't sleep. As usual, even if my eyes are exhausted. And I really don't have a half a brain to put anything more logical or with a deeper sort of meaning here, so I'm off . Venting, of course, is just good for the soul no matter how jumbled.

Oh, but on a last note- I lied.
I can't let go.
No matter how much it hurts to think about them at every reminder I come across.
I'm hooked.
Line and sinker.
And I'm torn and away from them in body and communication, but content for now.

But what I just really want to know is one thing when it comes to that situation:  why is is it that not only am I not letting go of this, it's not letting go of me?
Hmm.

I can't believe how long I've been without him. Without the late night talks, the arguing, the words of love, the tears- everything that was us is now gone. I know that this whole journal may sound depressing, but it's raw. Things I could have never told anyone else I've put here and have left it for others to stumble upon, find, judge, analyze; anything imaginable. I no longer believe he finds any interest in this journal anymore, but that is only a fact that stands to further prove the simple fact that...

it's over.

I will always be in love with him, regardless of the significance and the complications of a relationship as we had.

I believe it was more personal than any one could have ever imagined it to be. My heart opened up and, because I couldn't place a character to a face, it spilled out it's secrets and wants and beliefs better than telling the words straight to a tangible someone's face. And it deeply saddens me that that connection- as beautiful as it was- is gone now. There is, and will be, no use in trying to preserve a dying relationship that was ours. And with such equal pain too.

There's many times where I've felt that I couldn't live without him. That I couldn't live without telling him that I love him or times that I couldn't live without his sweet words of comfort and unfailing faith in me. For the longest time, I had the deepest faith of the two of us. And maybe, I hope, just maybe, I inspired it in him for that small time. I hope he kept that with him. I believe he needed it so much more than myself.

I slipped in those desperate times. When we both agreed to stay away, I always still strayed towards him. I still think that counts for something. Even if to some, it was a small detail to take into account. I didn't want to give him up, you see. That was the last thing that I ever wanted. I don't know if he ever understood that. I don't think he understood the leaps my heart took at his words, or even the way my stomach turned at the thought of him being mad at me. I also don't think he understood my unfaithfulness- not to him, but the man that I love and still love.

It's hard to imagine being in love with two people until it happens. Especially when it happens between two individuals that are nothing like the other. Perhaps that is why it is so difficult to give up one- because they are two halves of the your same heart and you want to love them equally and only one at the same time. He was the one who brought out the raging tears, the cold words, the high-strung emotion, the desperateness that threatened at the thought of him being gone from my life forever, and the rock solid hope I had that it wasn't all in vain. He was sensitive to me, poetic, creative, alike to my every love. He was my equal in many ways, if not in all- even if he hadn't yet realized the traits of myself in him at the time. My other was my rock. He was the solid, quiet strength that kept me grounded, contained, and sane in a time that I thought I could never recover from. He steadily won my heart, while the former grasped it in a short amount of time. He took care of me, loved me despite my harsh faults of the time, and revived me back to a life that was unlike the person that I normally was. He brought out my passion, the Other brought out my budding future. And yet they both still excited a deep attraction in many ways that were a perfect balance of the other.

I have had many dreams where I have chosen one route or the other and I'm still never sure what was right has come to be. Before the split, I entertained fanciful ideas of me running away. Running away into his arms, far from where my home is. I fantasized about what it might be like- touching him, holding him, loving him with my body and my soul, marrying him- an idea that we both toyed with in far between moments, when we felt our heart was daring enough to believe. They were never enough though. Not for me. And not for him, I think.

I let him go because none of this was fair. None of this was fair to him. None of this was fair to me. I'd leave, only to return. At times it was intentional, mostly, it was unintentional. But it was still the same concept. He'd never be able to have all of me, all the time. For most of the course of our relationship, I was torn between two loves in the most intimate of ways. It wasn't the physical connection, but the mental connection I had with both that kept me going back and forth between the two of them. And so I gave up what was the most cruel out of the two of the relationships. I let someone I love go free to take what they learned from us as a pair to apply to their later companionships. I've let them go to live out the rest of their life without this heavy weight around their heart and to live as they should. I hope he does what he's always wanted. I hope he returns to school. I hope he does the volunteer work he'd planned on. I hope he has children that he can love with all of his heart.

I've checked for any word from him since our last words to each other, but I believe that correspondence was the last.

I believe I cry too much, as I'm crying now- an innocent symbol of how the memory of what has been still affects me in my quiet moments. I feel like there's a small piece of me missing without speaking to him, without communicating with him. But I still feel strong in my resolution.

i feel incredibly depressed, yet somehow blissful at the same time.
it's wrong, but it's right at the same time.
i ate right.
i stressed as little as possible.
i was so careful.
but my body apparently is a fickle bitch.

go figure that this happens right when they decide to give me more hours.
or the fact that my birthday is coming up.
or the fact that i'm still moving out of my house to live, err, "elsewhere".







such is life.

I have had one of the most romantic, random, crazy days EVER.

The 94th Aero Squadron restaurant was really cool, rustic, and classy.
Though it was right next to a private air strip, it couldn't be any more sophisticated.
We had this small, private booth reserved and I nearly had a heart attack at the menu price but it was well worth it.

And it was fun to listen to the headphones in the wall that allow you to listen to the real life air commands going on at the strip while the entire restaurant shows pictures of antique planes, military fleets, and pilots of days past.

Afterwards, we headed towards La Jolla to this little cafe called Zanzibar. Chic and right by the beach, it has a different theme every month and we sat there for like an hour while just talking.

We drove a little further west to get to the beach, took a walk on the Crystal Pier and then waited at the end till it got darker and watched the sunset.

Finally, we ended up at Beaumont Amusement Park. I was so excited since I hadn't gone there since I was little and lived in San Diego- but I had such a great time. So did he. I fell asleep on the way home, but when we got there, I had a huge craving for cookies so we went to the store and bought the ingredients for them to make at the house. We played Guild Wars while we waited and now I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep like usual. Luckily, a lot of my stuff is over at his house, including my laptop, so I just got on it for the hell of it and now my eyes are tired. THANK GOD.

But yeah. I'm exciiitteed for tomorrow. I doubt I'll wake up earlier than noon if the sickness doesn't get to me first.

I'll commit to everything.
Every word I've ever said said.
Every thing I've ever done.
No more broken promises.
I'll smile and endure and live.
Because what's the point of having so much when you're not going to utilize it?

I have love.
Had it and have it.
And I have a family.
Have it and maybe will have it further.
I'll do this.
And be brave.
And not be daunted by promises of old life.

Because change is wonderful.
I've always wanted it before now.
Reveled in it.
I don't believe now should be any different.

Gabrial Jacob or Jacqueline Marie.
We like the sound of it. <3

Things wouldn't be this hard.
Or complicated.
And what do I know whether this is really it or not.
It feels like it, but jesus christ, this whole new twist just fucks everything up.

Anyways.
I'm pregnant.
I suspected so forever, but yeah.
It's a good thing I started working out my feelings.
But I had a horrible time giving up other stuff.

Now though?

Goodbye life.
Hello matrimony.

Fantastic, isn't it?

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at MagMyPic.com

I'm still up doing this damn project and all I can think about is how much I want to buy Breaking Dawn.
Or the movie coming out in December.
I should probably stop getting crazy about the film industry since I'm destined for pre-med. xD
Thanks a lot parents. Hahah.
But it's nice to stare the NewYorkFilmAcademy and wish.
I don't think I have what it takes to be a wonderful actress anyways despite what Joseph and Denise and Christopher and Dulce says.
Modeling is easier in my head.
And my emotions show much too well on my face! <3
I might never be able to get into someone else's character.

Directing is always a nice idea though.
Almost everything I think either gets played out in movie form or in novel form.
It's no wonder I can never actually get words out of my mouth some days since I'm too wrapped up in my thoughts than actually speaking them.  Hahah.

I feel so delirious with all this lack of sleep.
I've been being 'sent to bed', but there is no rest involved.
I stay up until hard hours of the morning doing schoolwork until I have about an hour left to recoop or a little more.
EXHAUSTED? I think so.
I can't wait until I'm done with this all.

I feel like I use this thing to complain since I don't dare rely on anyone else to talk to about my feelings.
I never have been used to opening up to people without thinking that no one would understand what I was talking about.
It might be the whole, 'hating to ask for anything' quirk too.

Oh, well though.

Tomorrow marks the two week period before graduation.
And I'm stressed beyond belief on getting everything done.

I have my paper on Greek Polytheism due next week, along with the presentation.
My Equality paper is due in History class by tomorrow.
My Stability / Poverty paper is due by next Wednesday for sure.
My Sustainability project is due next week, as well, for Science.
My British Lit project/book is due by Wednesday.

And then comes my Economics final.
My History final.
My American Lit final.

And checking out.
Paying all of my dues.
Getting the truancies out of the way.

And finally- walking down that long stretch and securing the slap in my mother's face about what she'd had to say about me.

It's almost poetry in terms of justice.

I just can't wait to get out of here.
I've been running on hardly any sleep at all since I've had so much work.
Especially since I've been getting phone calls at different hours of the night.
I don't mind, really.
I just wish I could talk to them instead of hearing nothing on the other line.
Their choice though.

I'm glad the foods almost here and I can leave my writing a bill to later.
I'm so excited that we're leaving behind a Zoology class at my school, thanks to the cooperation of my Environ. teacher and my best friend.
Sounds weird- but I think it's cool.
I'm so stopping by for the dissections.

Anyways.
Food time, it seems.
I won't be coming back on here for the rest of the night. <3
I'll never stop checking my email, after all. ;D

Propositioned.
Pissed off.
Parted ways.

Alliteration, anyone?

I've been miserably sick these past few days, with no sympathy from my parents, considering the fact I haven't missed school yet. This is the first time I've been on the internet, it's driving me crazy. And I have school again in ten minutes. I have a limp, as well. I don't think this is all just because of the weather.

IN OTHER NEWS - -

R. Martin has decided he no longer wants to be with his girlfriend any longer.
And then promptly asked me to go to next prom with him. :/

D. Yvonne might be moving to El Salvador for college.
I'm happy for her - I don't want her to go.

J. Mitchell has been an angel since the fight with R.
I'm starting to believe there's more to this than just realization that it was a stupid fight.
I hope it's not what I think it is.
I can't take that right now.

Mr. X and I have been out of contact due to the fact that I've been horribly sick. I miss him. I really do. :[[ And it's been hard dealing with the fact that... nevermind. It's what it is. I knew from the start what I was getting into. I guess I should be thankful for these sniffles distracting me from what I really want to think about.

More later.

My heart hurts.
I think I'm going to go crazy over this if I'm not already.

I've had a wonderful day, really.
I'm tired and warm and ready for bed, but not just yet before I finally! update this thing.

I saw my brother today.
I'm positively euphoric about  the fact he came home in one piece and is as loving as ever.
It would have broken my heart if he'd come back jaded or hardened from the war. Truly.
Spoke to Ray for forever. :] Nuff said there to be a reason for my smiling.
Made plans with R. Martin and said a nice goodnight to J. Mitchell, of whom gets to be my date for my uncle's wedding and then to prom.
He should actually find the former interesting if my Dad won't stop pestering him on certain subjects and my brother stops getting the wrong idea. Or, is the right idea. I hate wondering. :/
I eye-flirted a bit with the boys at Denny's to satiate my humor and smiled through the fawning at my brother's party.
And then got kisses from the boy puppy, who I've decided to call 'Lucky' after his close encounter with death when he was born (though I saved him, yay) until he's eventually bought.
All before crawling into bed, boxers on and sports bra snug, and lying down to finish my goddess application for the hell of it. :]<3
I really am interested, after all.

 I started reading a new story on Fictionpress, though I hope StormDancer updates The Matchmaker soon. It's romantic, yes, but it's plot structure and the way Emma and Darien are characterized are darling.

I'm debating whether or not to start on Fortuna or not.
I sent all of the previous detailings to my email, but it's hard to start.
But I'm pretty sure that I'll work out the ceremony of Herne in a parallel to the Autumn Equinox Ritual first.
I've already got the setting, the Maiden of the Wood bit, and the description of the golden stags in place.
All I need now is to figure out how to lead to it or if I should just start off that as the prelude, trace back to the activities of Ayer of Taravyn or go furthur to mark the death of Morgandy/Cordelia, his mother. I'm debating whether to make it more dramatic too since it's very natural and graceful, but leaves very little to be entranced with.
Such are the woes of a writer, hahah.

Anyways. I'm off to brainstorm a bit, blah.
<3 And then it's dreaming about chandelier earrings, a bass that'll reverberate in my chest and my skirt coming up to my navel in certain brazen activities.
Oh, my. ;]

I don't care if he sees this or not, buuut-

I
LOVE
HIM
MORE.
Pssshhh.







Kay, night. xoxoxo

I obviously slept in so I'll make this quick.
I woke up feeling exhausted since I stayed up to watch the One Tree Hill I missed and read my Twilight book all over again.
Still doesn't compare to my stress.
I feel like I've been complaining lately, but there hasn't been much going on, after all.
My mother is freaking out over this wedding.
My dad is getting sicker by the day.
And I have other things that have just come out of nowhere to completely throw me off.

I have to get ready asap now, so I'm disappearing.
Be back later.

That was interesting.
I happened to see another interesting face at the tux place.
I had no idea he worked there, my goodness.
And go figure that A is a liar. Booo.
Buut- black pinstripes and a navy vest are an accomplishment.
Even if we have to go back tomorrow.
And me and J missed the monster by like... 10 minutes.
Yaaaay. His ex and my nemesis is not something I want to deal with right now.
I would have had no patience for her at all.

I have school tomorow and it sucks.
I have my D. Yvonne though so I'll make it. ;D
I'm glad that I conveniently forgot to get my scrapbook- </sarcasm>
But the entire rest of the day should be fine after that.
I have an appointment at the college nearby. :D 
WesternU, here I come.
In like four years after my bachelors. ;]]

Anyways. I'm calling it an early night.
I hate being upset. Time for ice cream, late night calls and shaking things off. 
Thank god for forcing apathy.
Cheers.